Herofest - Larp
The Outlaw William Jones - Event Review
By Captain Absolom White - New Dakota Territory
The Ballad of William JonesIt was out in the wilds on the Planet Mars That the posse gathered in the woods The Council had said ‘William Jones must die’ As he kept stealin’ all of their goods.
He had plundered the mines, ravaged the farms And robbed goods from Port Olympia There was such a shortage of cotton and silk That the ladies dresses had got skimpier.
Chorus - Oh sing me the Ballad of Bill Hyde Park Jones A robber and a murderer bold ‘Cause if no-one else sings of his downfall Then the truth will never be told.
Well the call to arms went out to folk And from many a nation they came They were fightin’ for law and for justice Or just for the money and fame
There were men from the mines, men from the farms, Ladies came too, they weren’t fussy As the nations united all under one flag Every man turned to stare at their posse.
It was on the first night that they had their first fight With one of the gang who smelled rotten There were bullets a flyin’ and plenty of dying But the fellow’s name I have forgotten
He had stunk out the mines, stunk out the farms He stunk out the fancy red cushions And everyone wondered where that smell came from We had thought it was one of the Russians.
Well the days they went by and the time it did fly And a chap name of Ziggy came pryin’. After fighting the Wraiths we had several folk injured But Ziggy’s dust stopped them from dyin’.
They were struck in the legs, and hit in the arms, Their yelling and crying got louder But the injured all stopped when a bag Ziggy popped And administered some strange healing powder.
Now attentions were turned to drinking and fun, Lady Issie asked for a stiff one inside her As she knocked back her ale she screamed out and went pale, And she pointed at more than one spider
They bit some in the chest and some in the arms And they fed on Dakotan and Brit But they never got Germans or Russians of course They were in the can having a rest.
Now to entertain folk, and as partly a joke Henry Ford caused some people to rankle For a florin, no more, you could sit and adore, The displayed and quite bare ladies ankle.
But the show nearly failed as the man was assailed He was robbed and kicked in the mid region, “Who did this foul act?” all the nations did cry. And then looked at the green foreign legion.
Now the Germans were present in voice and in soul All their flags like a glorious pelmet But whenever a fight started somewhere about They were elsewhere just polishing their helmet.
And the Tripartite scholar, alone in the land Walks with honour and eats from a pie dish He’s a generally amiable chap on the whole Unless you happen to be Irish.
Just after this time, William Jones did arrive, With his wife and an outlaw alliance With a robot there too, no-one knew what to do, With the automaton’s thrusting appliance.
But a fight it broke out, with a yell and a shout, Blood sprayed on the wall like red murals The automaton charged at the Russians quite fast And a few got hit hard in the Urals.
But the nations prevailed and the outlaw did run, And they let out a muted ‘Hurrah!’ The doctors and medics all tended their wounds, And then everyone went to the bar.
Now Jones he wore metal protecting himself If you shot him his armour would spoil it It was plenty of use in battle or fight But a pain when he went to the toilet.
Now later Jones’ wife wandered into the Camp All bedraggled and less than majestic She wanted a word with the ladies of the posse As she’d just had a major domestic
Though the details are thin, we can guess at the cause Hyde Park Jones was obnoxious and loud Mrs Jones wanted off with her robot assistant Who was probably better endowed?
So at last the sides fought, and Jones’ armour was wrought All the nations let out a great cheer. Jones was thrown to the ground , and was gagged, tied and bound, And thus ended his outlaw career.
The Dakotans, the British, the Russians as well, They all helped dispose of the baddies, The Germans, Italians, can all say ‘Well done’. Now it’s time to take care of the Paddies.
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